thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“How’s your day going?”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.