My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
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WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’m not lazy
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…