My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
ok this is my dumbest yet
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should