People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there