Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
when nothing goes right… go left
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.