If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”