For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
When the stylist spins you back around
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
the rocks need my help
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS