I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
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I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Pretty much! 😂👀
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
The police never think its as funny as you do.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?