Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone