Simple enough.
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.