*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
You Might Also Like
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.