*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
So glad we cleared that up
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*