this is what they would have looked like, though
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
But is it really??
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.