[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.