You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
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[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me too, bag. Me too….
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.