If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
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if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I love the honesty
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways