[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My first son he is wonderful
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*