“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.