I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Happy thanksgiving
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true