[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
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“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.