At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
and now we wait
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
It’s a gift
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.