Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.