Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you