He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.