The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased