Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
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In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!