If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Anime is real
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Pretty much. 🤣
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.