Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
You Might Also Like
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Its a hippotatomus
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me