5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
This is sending me to another galaxy
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?