What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.