Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
That’s not how days work.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.