Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.