mechanics be like
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You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me: