Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop