“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
how to exercise your calf muscles
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it