me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.