My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.