If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
You Might Also Like
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*