*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.