UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities