To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.