You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.