There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty