stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
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My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If you know, you know
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die