Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Feels like the fourth month in January
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Birds & Planes.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/