If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?