I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
ready to be harvested
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.