TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love themđ
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me Iâm a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, Iâm actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My kidsâ school sends home so much artwork Iâve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I donât want to be a pie.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
A fellow mom was talking about how another schoolâs spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said âThey could have given our kids 2 more daysâ and Iâm always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i canât find it
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
you stereotypes are all alike
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said âI suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?â
And I said, âThatâs a mirrorâ.
Which was nice.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think thatâs rude.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not whatâ
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*