feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Hank is one in a melon.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
mom had nothing to worry about
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”