Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
#polloftheday
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god